People are starting to stare at me. I’m just standing here on the street staring at the envelope in my hand. He wrote back, the bastard actually wrote back. Jade’s wiggling in my arms, she wants to get down and play so I am going to have to move. If it wasn’t for my daughter I think I might just stand here all damn day. I feel the tears gathering in my eyes as I hitch Jade up a bit closer and head towards our apartment.

It’s a small 1 bedroom. Jades bedroom barely has enough room for her crib and dresser let alone anything else. There’s no space for a kitchen table, I’m sleeping on the couch and it makes me angry, I’ve seen pictures of the house Dom has in Mexico.

I was so sure he would come back for me when I handed him those keys. So sure that he really did love me. When I found out I was pregnant I was happy, in shock but happy. I mean I didn’t know I could get pregnant, not all men can. I knew how Dom was about family. I was sure that he would send for me then if for no other reason then his child. But he didn’t. I spent months crying, well between throwing up and running from the cops. I didn’t even really have decent prenatal care. I just sorta stopped in to clinics when I could. I got a couple of sonograms. I sent him one. I thought maybe he didn’t believe I was pregnant. That he thought I was trying to trap him.

I hurt for so long. And now I alternate between hating him for the way me and Jade have to live. How when things get tight I have to wash clothes in the tub or when I have to add water to the milk to make it last a couple more days. He’s down in Mexico in a huge house. He got millions from the hijackings. And his daughter has to live like this. And then I go to sleep and I want him there with me. I want to see the love in his eyes that I was so sure was there the last time I saw him. I want him to stroke my hair and cuddle me. I still want to be his. I’m pathetic. I tossed the letter in the trash when we walked in but my eyes keep going back to it. I know I should read it. I mean I did write to him. I started this. I’m just scared.

I told myself that I’d read it when I had time, after Jade went sleep for the night, that there was too much to do with an active toddler to give the letter any attention. It wasn’t as important as my daughter anyway. The thing is Jade’s been asleep for over an hour now and I still haven’t opened it. I mean it’s not like it’s a bomb or anything right, it’s not going to explode or poison me or anything. It’s just sitting there on the coffee table all innocent like and I’m acting likes it’s a Fucking snake. Fuck it!

So I read it. Oh I was pissed at first. I opened the letter and the first thing I saw was a check for $10,000; I thought he was trying to buy me off. Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t give in to my first impulse and rip it up huh. He says he didn’t know. I don’t know how I feel about that. I mean this letter, it’s my dream. Its telling me everything I ever wanted. Dom loves me, he wants me, wants us. He sent me a letter. See that’s where I get mad. He sent one fucking lousy letter. I wrote him at least once a week if not more. Of course it really wouldn’t have mattered as soon as I could slip away from the units they had in front of my place I was on the run. Barely a week after he left. So if he’d sent more I wouldn’t have gotten them anyway.

He wants me and Jade down in Mexico with him. I want to go. Pack up what little shit we would need cash the check and head out. But I can’t. I got another 3 years on parole. I’d never make it through the border check, I’d be detained. I got 5 years for all that crap that went down. Only reason they let me out after a year is because of good behavior and the fact that I wasn’t a run risk. Everyone knew I wanted my baby back. I don’t know what to do. There’s no safe way for both me and Jade to get into Mexico with out going through a border check.

A lot of people that slam through the US border check get pulled up short by the Mexican border patrol. See Mexico won’t let you in if the US won’t let you out unless you’re already a Mexican citizen. That’s why you got to get across before you’re tried and convicted of the crime. You’re not in the border check computers until your convicted; they wouldn’t have any reason to stop you crossing over into Mexico. The only thing I can think to do is get a family attorney and see if I can get Jade dual citizenship so Dom can see her. I think that’ll kill me; to go down to the border and see Dom standing on the other side and having to have a fucking stranger carry our daughter across some invisible line to him.