Brian’s attorney called today. I have to say I was pretty disappointed, I was pretty sure he wanted me, wanted us. I mean he said he, they were waiting for me.

At least he used the money I sent to get an attorney so I could see Jade. I’m supposed to head over to their Mexican office for a meeting to iron out the visitation and sign papers admitting to parentage so she can have dual citizenship.

It’s hard, I mean I am happy I’m going to see my child but it hurts that Brian won’t be apart of that. I just want to crawl into a hole until it stops hurting. But it’s never going to not hurt, so that’s not an option.

My eye wanders over to Jade’s picture. She’s so beautiful, curly black hair and blue eyes, warm bronze skin; the cutest little smile on her face. I’ve never held my baby. Jade Marie O’Conner, It should be Toretto. Of course I should have been one of the first people to hold her. It’s all fucked up.

This seems to be easy enough, the attorney just points to where I’m supposed to sign. Asks me if summers and every other Christmas are enough, wants to know if I have a problem with the child support that Brian’s asking for; $13,500 a year. I’d give it all back if I could have both of them.

According to the attorney we’re all done. Brian will bring Jade to the border check and the attorney will walk her across to me in two weeks on June 1st; two days after her 2nd b-day. Then he sets an envelope in front of me. Tells me the secretary will bring my copies of the paper work in a minute, if I need any thing else to let him know.

I want to shout that I need Brian but he’s already walked out of the room. I open the envelope to find a letter and damned if isn’t from Brian.

He wanted me to know that its not that he doesn’t want to be here it’s that he can’t, talks about his parole. Guess he left that out of the last letter. That makes it some how better and worse then it already was.

Better because I know that this is not the choice he wanted; it was the only one he could make.

Worse because now I know that we both want to be together and we’re not going to be; at least not for another 3 years. That’s a lot of time for him to meet someone, a lot of time to get over me. Course that seems an odd worry I mean neither one of has truly managed that in the last 3 years. I just wish there was a way to circumvent it all and have Brian here with me now.